So I am very conscious about writing this for so many reasons, one of the reasons is I feel like I am putting myself out there which I find very hard to do even though I am a very extrovert person. It takes a lot of courage to do that so I salute to those who do it. But I also do think that every person goes through this at some point of their life regardless of their age, gender, race whatever but they all have that moment of doubt when it creeps in and the mind starts to speculate. At this moment, the mind is at a fragile state I think. Thoughts you never dream of thinking pop up and make you feel all ugly and horrible inside, I really hate that feeling where I went to tear up my insides and change everything about myself.
When I look at people who are in a state of peace, I won't lie I do at certain times feel envious thinking how do they do it? What I am doing wrong? Where did I go wrong? I want to know how they do it and make it look so effortless. These days I have been feeling down a lot for some reason, doubting my own capabilities when I want to reach the stars in my own way and leave a mark for my children. I don't necessarily mean I want to be famous or celeb, I want to do things I have always wanted to but was too afraid to do it, I want to be confident and have faith in myself; I aspire to be the best I possibly can and that's it. But reality is never that simple is it? It likes to throw stones, winds and storms in our journey till the end. But then I think it was meant to happen not that I know the reason why all the time but it happens to make a better you, a better me. Often in these cases the people you surround yourself with and think they will be there for you are the ones to run away and you think to yourself am I not worthy of anything? Of friends? Why do I feel so alone? It is often these times that you re-evaluate everything in your life and start to question everything.
But on the flip side, I don't want to sound too ungrateful for everything that has happened to me because by far 2015 was one of the best year ever. I am lucky and grateful for so many things, how many people can say their family buy whatever I want? That does not mean we are rich or anything, we just like everyone else work hard to earn with everyday expenses, what I mean is buy you things that are affordable like something you have wanted for a really long time and they have surprised you with it. For me, it has always been the smallest things in life which bring me happiness and peace. It really is as simple as that but I often forget to count my blessings and not my problems. As they say there is always someone who is in a far worse situation then you are currently. I need to train my mind to see the best in things and change my perception. This is no easy task and will take a while to do but as I constantly remind myself never run before you can walk.
Do any of you ever feel this way? Do you ever question who you are? What are some of your insecurities? Let me know in the comments below
P.S. I apologise if this is too deep, but I want everyone to know who feels like this that they are not alone